Yes, I did!
Not that it is something I am proud of, but yeah, I am not regretting it at all.
At that point of time I felt it had to be done before I really loose myself entirely.
Oh, the workload...work, work and more work.
This one isn't just me. Generally everyone has it. What differs is just the severity of it. No work is without stress! No work at all is equally stressful. I've been there, done that.
When I was still a doctor, housemen are many compared to what it was before. But as much new housemen are produced, so did patients. Work just become slightly better than before.
Last time I work, I came in at 4.30 a.m. and left late night-ish; for a whole two weeks. Left home with my wife still sleeping, back home when she's asleep. Well, it's the tagging week. You expect it to be that way.
Oh, how I wish it was physical...
Yeah...then, I really wish it was. Even now, sometimes, I still do. A bit of sentimentality rather than an actual wish, though.
I had fallen sick. Mentally sick. Not that it's a new thing but I was sick-free for a whole year during my final medical school days. Final year is the most stressful. So, I thought if I survived that, I had been cured!
But work (read: workload) stress is exponentially higher than final year. I sort of know it will be but, hey...how can you know exactly how deep a pool is before you plunge into it.
I had drowned in depression!
dead tired, sleepy, slow, no appetite
Basically I turn into turtle on a diet...
Stuck to the floor
Hides in a shell
Ate very little
That's more or less how depression shows itself on the body. You feel every negativity exaggerated several degrees. A blanket seems too heavy to remove.
You don't feel like doing anything. Even if you talk yourself to do something, you feel powerless to do it.
overdrive or underdrive
This is the funny thing about depression. It can go either way.
If your mind goes overdrive; you can't sit still, you feel nervous, you talk too fast, you can't sleep, you can't do anything since you can't really put your thoughts in order.
Or your mind goes underdrive; you can't think of anything and you can't do anything about it.
The scariest part of both is your mind generates thoughts that go against you.
You're a failure!
Just go and DIE!
Stuck deep in a Cave
Perhaps the most awful thing to feel is this!
I was alone and no one around me can understand me. I felt burdened by the "support" from people around me.
So much so, I have to put up a mask to save myself from their "support".
Oh, it was very distressing! Excruciatingly painful to my heart!
I began to withdrew from meeting people.
Depression as a default makes you feel not wanting to meet people. But the kind of interaction I get makes me want to hide even more.
It's as if I was in a deep dark cave without even a glimpse of the light from the entrance.
I feel it's okay to be on my own. Though it an awful feeling of not being understood and getting good emotional support, I was fine on my own.
An event happened: a very good friend of mine contacted for help...
Out of the blue, I was faced with a dilemma.
I'm not the only one that's facing this. There are others that have depression and stuck within their own cave. Most are putting a mask everyday.
I thought to myself: they must have felt alone and without emotional support.
I really hate that feeling!!
So, at least someone in their shoes can understand them better.
But how do I reach them?
So, I decide to write a book about it.
I can't sleep anyway. Might as well use the silent nights (lots of them) to do something.
I tried to be candid as much as I can. However, since this book is aimed at general audience, I toned down quite a bit. Just a little bit.
Overview of the Book
This book tells a true story about one young man’s journey through depression.
Brought up in a loving environment and good education, he was privileged to be awarded a scholarship to pursue his degree studies in Medicine in the United Kingdom. Subsequently he graduated and proceeds to work in Malaysia after declining a job offer in the United Kingdom.
The story starts from his childhood, as a background to his growth and character, until his university years; during which he receive his first diagnosis of depression. It continues on to tell his experience of his short-lived career as a houseman during which he relapsed into depression but never to fully recover after many attempts of resuming work. Each phase is described as true and as detailed as the author remembers it; putting emphasis on his emotions, thoughts and perception towards his encounter with people around him.
This book is aimed at raising understanding and awareness among the general public regarding depression. Written using simple English in a story-telling style; it is suitable for parents, family members and professionals that may have deal with depression or just interested to know about it.
Get a Copy
A GOOD INSPIRATION
Depression does not discriminate based on strength!
For those who wants to watch more
Dwayne Johnson and Depression
© Copyleft 2014 Mohd Nazir Mohd Nazori